“I don’t get angry; I get sad.”

Does this describe you? The Daily podcast just released a new episode, "On Female Rage", detailing the complicated relationship that those socialized according to female gender norms have with anger. Writer Leslie Jamison opens with, "I don't get angry; I get sad." How many times have you heard someone say this, well-meaning and honest? Something I tell my clients with great frequency is that we all experience anger -- no matter our gender, age or culture. Though some of us have become experts at ignoring it, anger is one of a handful of core emotions that is experienced universally, throughout one’s entire lifespan. Anger is the emotion that allows us to know when our boundaries have been violated, when something is not right. 

Contrary to popular belief, we do not choose anger. Unfortunately, most people associate anger with its behavioral cousin, discharging, in which choice is involved -- violence, escalation of conflict, verbal or physical attack. Given this misattribution of negative traits to anger, so many are quick to disown their anger. But anger is an internal, visceral, biological experience, as are all core emotions -- not so dissimilar from hunger pangs inviting us to nourish ourselves, waves of somnolence beckoning us to sleep, frissons of tension spurring us to stretch tight muscles. When we suppress energy within us, we suppress an inborn vitality; we deny ourselves care; we give up our power. Depression, low moods, low self-esteem and anxiety are natural consequences of this suppression. Many of my clients spend a lot of time in therapy learning how to internally detect and then physically tolerate their anger. This has nothing to do with punching walls, road rage, cursing people out or destroying property or relationships. Experiencing anger is precisely what you want to do if you want to: increase your confidence, feel calmer, buoy your mood, bolster your ability to practice healthy boundaries, improve your relationships -- and demand justice. 

The black feminist activist Audre Lorde wrote effusively about the transformative power of anger: “I have used it for illumination, laughter, protection, fire in places where there was no light, no food, no sisters, no quarter. … Every woman has a well-stocked arsenal of anger potentially useful against those oppressions, personal and institutional, which brought that anger into being. Focused with precision it can become a powerful source of energy serving progress and change.” You can find her full 1981 speech, "The uses of anger: Women responding to racism", here. 

Journaling

Journaling can be an excellent form of self-care: you’re taking the time to slow down and focus on your internal experience, presumably. However, if you find yourself writing an extension of the cacophony in your head — worrying, analyzing, future-tripping, figuring out, planning, etc., it might be exacerbating your anxiety, shame, guilt and/or depression. I would never tell you to put down the pen and paper,  but I gently invite you to try something different that might bring you greater clarity and calm. Taking a body-based approach to your internal experience might facilitate this process.

If it feels comfortable, close your eyes, and just notice whatever internal visceral sensations enter your awareness. Track them the way you might track an animal’s footsteps in the mud. This is sort of like tracking your breath in traditional meditation — in and out, in and out. But here we are tracking your emotions, precisely because emotions are biological phenomena that occur and unfold as viscerally felt experiences inside of you. Sometimes feelings don’t need words and just need to be felt. If you give this a try, let me know what how it was for you. And, of course, if you feel inspired to write about it, a valuable way we make sense and meaning out of our experiences, definitely do that! 

Patterns

Even though we're navigating unprecedented circumstances, you may have noticed old negative patterns faithfully sticking around -- procrastinating, social anxiety (this can happen over video calls too), self-doubt about what you're doing and where your life is headed, etc. Okay, so you've identified unhelpful patterns, and you're hankering to change them -- what do you do? 

Negative behaviors that we want to shed or transform into something more in alignment with our personal values and life goals require close attention. Noticing your patterns usually does not in itself spur change. Because then you wouldn't be reading this, right? This is why traditional talk therapy often is not very effective, or at least not as quickly as my clients prefer. Changing negative patterns requires becoming aware of the anxiety in your body that triggered them, and, if you really want to dig into the root of the problem, identifying what feelings you were experiencing internally just before you started engaging in that pesky old pattern. If you can learn to tolerate your anxiety and feelings, you will no longer engage in your negative patterns. This might not be easy or straightforward at first, so, as with anything else new, it's a good idea to practice. Certain therapists are specifically trained to help you identify your patterns and clean out the roots they grow from, which creates space for new, healthier patterns to emerge that are in alignment with what you want out of your life. 

Reflection

A big part of therapy is reflecting, together with your therapist, on what’s not working for you — and how you want things to be instead. Reflection is really helpful in creating space for us to learn new and important information about ourselves — to notice patterns, triggers, reactions, origins. However, it’s also important to notice when reflecting blocks us from really feeling things. If you’re constantly thinking, analyzing, planning, worrying, future-tripping or otherwise ricocheting around in your head (sound familiar?), how much are you really being present? 

A skilled therapist will be able to help you ground back into the present moment by using the anchor that is your body. We can heal and learn so much about ourselves when we pay close, mindful attention to our internal experience. And then, after that, to really seal the deal, reflecting on what that was like, to be so attuned to your internal experience, is an excellent way to spend time in therapy or on your own. Reflecting on new experiences and feeling all the feelings that go with that are ways that our brain grows and develops new neural pathways and capacities. It's exciting stuff -- just try not to forget the key first step of being present, in your body, and grounded in your internal experience. 

Hygge

How much hygge are you feeling in your life right now? Hygge is a Danish concept that captures the internal experience of contentment or well-being. Often, it’s used in tandem with warm images of glowing candles, chunky knit blankets, soft wool socks, and other conventional ideas of coziness and warmth. While it’s a trendy word that’s being used to market a whole slew of products, the truth is that we can all experience hygge at any moment. I will venture to say that when you pause and go deep into your own experience, into the reality of what you're feeling right now, you'll feel better. There's a contentment and a natural well-being that occurs when we stop denying our internal reality. If we can stay with our internal core experience, our anxiety and shame will predictably and dramatically drop. We will feel calmer, more connected and clearer. This is what so much of mindfulness and meditation is about. 

All of that being said, sometimes it feels way too overwhelming to be with what we’re feeling in the present moment, which is why it’s so important to undo the aspect of aloneness in that experience — feelings are much more tolerable when we can sit with them in the presence of a trusted other, whether that person is a close friend, family member or trained therapist. Someone who is capable of remaining calm, compassionate, connected and wise may be able to help you experience more hygge in your life. Hygge is accessible right within you, and, if lighting candles, curling up under chunky knit blankets and drinking hot tea brings you big comfort, then I wholeheartedly encourage you to care for yourself in those ways.